"I gave her an image to look up to that told her being different didn’t mean ugly. And that? That meant more to me than any likes or approval from anyone ever could."
It’s been a few weeks and I still haven’t worn my wig out since the big chop. Is it weird I feel like a fraud if I wear my wig out, meet someone new then they go on my Instagram and find out I’m bald? I feel like I owe it to people to own my baldness even though wearing a wig doesn’t mean I don’t own it…I feel that way, almost like I owe people my confidence because they already assume it because of my personality and being bald.
There are days I feel ugly and boyish specifically because I feel like I have an androgynous face. There are days I feel really powerful and pretty because my features stand out. I always questioned a hairstyle a hundred times because of my ears and nose with long straight or curly extensions being my go to. It felt comfortable. It felt…normal.
Back to feeling like I owe people my confidence. I have a niece, she’s six years old and the most well-mannered, intelligent and sweetest human I know. My niece looks up to me, anything and everything I do when I’m home she’s not far behind. Being a last born with an age gap of 8 and 12 years between my two siblings and I, I never thought I owed it to anyone to ‘make it’ or be a good example. I just so happened to turn out well all on my own because I wanted to. I was just me.
My niece relaxed her hair and burnt her scalp badly but she wasn’t going down without a fight when it came to cutting her hair to restart her growth. All of her friends have long hair or braids. From an age as young as 6 years old, she had pressure to have long hair; she wanted to be like the other girls. The white girls. The black girls who had moms who subconsciously wanted their girls to look like the white girls. A few weeks after shaving my head my mom showed my niece a picture of myself bald, long story cut short she cut her that very day. It was cool now. She felt pretty now. I didn’t do it for anyone, but the fact that I could unknowingly be that person for her meant everything to me, it was bigger than me, bigger than a so called erratic moment I had with clippers. Bigger than an Instagram post – yes bigger than that too. I don’t think anyone is normally born bald so it’s not like I was teaching her to embrace being natural more like I changed what she saw as beautiful. I gave her an image to look up to that told her being different didn’t mean ugly. And that? That meant more to me than any likes or approval from anyone ever could.
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